Non-book Book Review

I’m up late…again, but this is typical for me. I’m supposed to be editing Hope’s Decree, but I can’t. I had a sudden urge to blog (this doesn’t happen very often so just roll with me). 

Colleen Hoover……have you read her stuff? Yeah, me too! Her latest book is called Losing Hope (Hopeless 2). I can’t write a review because I’ve already written one for Nocturnereads. They made me sign my name in blood, stating if I ever write a review-in which I’ve already signed on to write for them-my soul will go to hell if I write for someone else. I laughed because really, I’m pretty sure I’ve already signed up for that road trip anyway. Just kidding.

You can check out my review at www.nocturnereads.com when they get it posted. I have no idea when that’ll be. 

So, back to Colleen Hoover, or as some may have come to know her as, CoHo. She sucks! Yeah, I said it. She sucks! I can’t believe I didn’t see the early signs; people throwing her name around like a rag doll. Bloggers and Goodreaders yapping on and on about how good Slammed is. That’s what started this stupid mess. 

Anyway, on to my problem….I don’t think she’s human. In fact, she’s probably an alien and has added some sort of alien power in her typed words. Keeping readers like me glued to the page. We should all be afraid, afraid to read anything she writes form this point on. Seriously, how can one woman write not one, but multiple butterflying fantastic books the way she does. See, now I’m using her written lingo. It’s not human…..it’s just not.

Then comes this guy, I’ll refer to him as the “Taco guy” and he’s like ‘I love tacos and CoHo’. Again, I was taken by surprise because his response to Hopeless was hilarious. As in my cheeks hurt from laughing. I clicked on his FB page and immediately hit follow, (https://www.facebook.com/jrlewisbooks) because she suggested to. A few days later it hit me. Again! She sucked me in. I’m pretty sure he’s her alien Cohort (his term, not mine). They are working together people. With her heart fluttering, eye misting (what the hell, crying your eyes out) words and his sense of humor, I’m convinced they are trying to take over the world. 

So after my huge realization, I start thinking about other authors. Meyer, she wrote The Host. I didn’t read it, but it’s about aliens and has also turned into a movie sensation. I dug even further and found Jennifer Armentrout. I don’t read SiFi, but holy alien babies everywhere, Daemon Black is one alien I would…um, never mind. But you see what I mean? I’m not sure if CoHo got to her first or not, but Armentrout is definitely on my alien radar. Every time I think of her name I want to eat salmon (I don’t like trout). See, not only can I not wait to read Origin (Lux # 4), but she has me wanting to eat healthy. WTH?! Tina Reber, she wrote Love Unscripted. Fantastic book as well, AND I think she’s friends with the leader of this alien group…CoHo (Colleen Hoover for those who can’t keep up). Abbi Glines, I haven’t read her books, and thank the lord. I’ve heard once you read them, you can’t put them down and will go into a book boyfriend depression when it’s over. I mean the list of evidence continues to build. 

Now here’s the strangest part. I walk around wondering when my skin will turn green. I’m hoping since I’ve been infected with CoHo’s alien mojo that it’ll be a really pretty neon green. So when I get my nails done they’ll really pop. Also, while I’m finishing the final round of edits for Hope’s Decree, and this is crazy, but I feel it. That extra spark of alien in me. 

It’s obviously too late for me, but I needed to warn those of you who have NOT read Colleen Hoover’s books. Just think about what it will mean to your family. You can’t eat with them, and there is no sense trying to cook. You’ll let your kids eat honey buns for dinner, and you don’t even care that they aren’t siding it with veggies. I’m not sure if I even brushed my teeth. Yeah, pretty gross….but that’s just how absorbed you get! The change happens pretty fast. IMPORTANT WARNING: The changing process is PAINFUL. You will experience extreme emotion; you will feel like you can’t catch your breath because you’re either crying or laughing so hard. 

I really hope I’ve helped/warned you enough; because as a fellow reader, I enjoy books. But not anymore, I Butterflying Live them! Another CoHo example. SMH. Sorry, I can no longer help myself. So when Hope’s Decree comes out next month, 8/15/13, you may not want to buy it. I may be using some extended alien mojo.

You’ve been warned. 

May the force be with you, or whatever aliens say. 

 

 

 

 

7 thoughts on “Non-book Book Review

  1. Hilarious…..lmao and to boot I just had to follow Taco Guy too! bloody brilliant! Makes me not only want to pick up Losing Hope…..But August 15th can’t come soon enough so I can read Hope’s Decree!!!

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  2. I have recently gotten into aliens/droids/after the world ends stuff, too. I have no idea when it all started lol but I’m not too terribly upset by it.

    Like

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